"My mind looks for ways to die wherever I am" pops up on my instant messenger after a 3 minute silence. I imagined her sitting in her chair pecking at the keys with her nearly nail-less fingers. "Because you want to die?", I reply swiftly. I browse a forum, as I know her response will not be timely. "Yeah, I think so." she responds, and after much prodding reveals that she feels she doesn't have anyone or anything to live for. I mention myself, as well as my love for her, as well as my grandmother, who takes care of her.
This is all too familiar. I've been here. It doesn't matter what I say. When you stop caring, no one seems to understand or make sense.
"What about your son?" I question. Only to be met with "He has a good mom now." My mind races to think of something to add. I come up with nothing. She took care of him, but she wasn't truly capable. A 15 year old in a 23 year olds body. I can't tell her things about God that typically get told to suicidal people. I don't know if I even believe in him. All I could do is remind her that I loved her and that suicide is a stupid selfish act.
Now I know how people felt when they tried to comfort me. I imagine they felt like failures when I took the pills anyhow.